Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize