There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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