It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
