Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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