We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
