Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize