My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
