Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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