I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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