Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ok first of all what the fuck
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
