I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
