she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize