Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
