i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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