I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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