remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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