I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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