I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
