im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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