I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
