I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
