How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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