Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
