I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
