fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
