Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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