went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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