I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
