I just cut my nipple shaving
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
