WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
do herpes really smell.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
