Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
