"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize