Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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