I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this boner is exhausting
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
