I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
