There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
