She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
