don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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