You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
