Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
