I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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