Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
