You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We are all done wearing pants today
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
