It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
