Only a mothe r could love this liver
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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