Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
