I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
