70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
