that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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