Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize