That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
