I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
