I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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