just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
