i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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