If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
