here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
