Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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