i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
